Nnamdi's Journal May 22nd 2012.
I just do not know what to do anymore, I honestly do not feel there is much more to be done about this matter.
Binta and I have been trying to have children for a very long time now, I can see her soul break every time, a friend calls with amazing news on their pregnancy or delivery of their baby. Unfortunately for us, nothing has worked and believe me when I say, we have tried everything from IVF to possible surrogate. The Surrogate did not work out, as we found out that the particular surrogate we got, had plans to abscond with the baby and make us pay a ransom, long story. I was so fed up for Binta, I did not understand why she let it bother her so much, especially when she could see it did not weigh on my mind. I did not want the love of my life to start getting agitated or allow family pressure to let her lose focus on the fact that I love her kids or no kids. To be completely honest, I have accepted a life with Binta and no children. I am just glad to have an amazing wife like her to share my future with Binta. I feel that this is our cross and together we shall bare it and pray to God for children. Until its Gods time, I am content having my beautiful wife.
Yes many of my friends and family suggest marrying another wife or try to get me to see the benefits of having kids, but what do they expect me to do? Betray the woman I love because she/we cannot have kids. The Doctors have said there is nothing wrong with either of us, so why on earth would I betray her, also how does my mother know that if I marry another woman, we won’t have the same problem?
If this pressure was this much for me, I could only imagine with Binta was going through. Knowing my mum, she was probably just being super nice to Binta in my presence to mask her behaviour to her when I am not there. So I decided a holiday will take her away from all the drama, the constant Huntu her mum sends and the sly digs from my mum. We needed the holiday!
Our February holiday was going brilliantly, it was a holiday made in heaven, why? Because we had sex like rampant Rabbits Binta was up for anything, which I absolutely loved because normally she is very reserved and not adventurous at all. I guess she needed the break more than I thought she did, either that, or she was hell bent on conceiving on this particular holiday. Whatever the reason, I was not complaining. At one point, I decided to take a break from out humping fest to treat Binta to some dinner, I figured that if I did not show her some affection outside sex, after the holiday when she was bored she will accuse me of only taking her on holiday to have continuous sex. Sometimes I do not understand women at all!!!.
Binta got all dressed up and came out of the bathroom, I took one look at her and felt a sense of pride, she looked absolutely beautiful. Her curves, her makeup everything was perfect. I had all sorts of thought running through my head as I watched her walk over to lace up her heels
"This woman, allowed someone like me to marry her, I am not worthy. She looks like a goddess" My thoughts were interrupted by the thought of, cancelling our dinner plans to lay her in bed and just.....I digress!
Throughout dinner, a little part of me was impatient. I just wanted dinner to end already, so we could make our way back to the room. I had no idea why this was all I had on my mind, but I made a conscious effort to hide my ulterior motive from my wife by asking questions like "Would you like to order something else" "Should we get some extra cake". Anything to cover the fact that I wanted us to get out of there pronto.
At some point, towards the end of dinner, I told Binta I needed the men’s room, gave her a kiss on the cheek and proceeded towards the rest room to ease myself. Whilst in the restroom, I heard two familiar voices in the cubicles. One of the voices was definitely Bo, our Butler, I couldn't quite make out the other voice. Here is what I heard them say
"Man did you see the lady in 306? Her breasts "
"Yeh man, them bosoms look ripe for the touch ya na"
"me can’t take me eyes off her, them tities. Her backside. she want it ya na"
"Ya think so?"
I couldn't take it anymore, I cleared my throat loudly. They stopped
"Who der" they asked.
I quickly left the rest room, so they didn’t see me. I was so embarrassed that they were talking about my wife in such a manner. In hindsight, I should have broken the doors of the cubicle down and knocked their lights out. Something I regret till this day, walking away was a cowardly thing to do and it just filled me with rage.
I got back to the table extremely upset and visibly shaken up. As I sat at the table, the waiter came to ask if we wanted more wine. While he addressed Binta, I noticed his eyes were fixed on my wife's breast.
"We are leaving" I exclaimed
"Nnamdi, what’s wrong? " Binta looked concerned
"You are what’s wrong, you should have come naked, look at your tits hanging out, you have all the men in here looking at you like my prostitute date for the evening, You look like a slut" I snapped. I knew I was wrong immediately, the words came out. The waiter felt so uncomfortable and walked away quickly after my outburst.
Binta pulled her dress down and adjusted it to cover her cleavage, she put the shawl she had laid on her laps over her shoulders to cover her low cut, cleavage revealing dress. She looked left and right and her once tall stance shortened, with her shoulders slouching slowly. I had instantly made my wife uncomfortable.
She got up quietly and whispered “I wore this dress just for you, I am no slut, I am your wife, well I thought I was" and with that she walked off.
I sat there for a moment thinking about my actions and why I would let what Bo and his friend said, affect my behaviour towards Binta. The thought of another man sleeping with my wife or having sexual fantasies about her angered me very much. I have never been a possessive type, Binta lives a free life because I trust her 100 percent. This was a side of me I did not know I had.
I quickly got up and spent a further 2 hours looking for Binta, she was not in our room, nor anywhere else. I figured, I would go back to the restaurant and wait there, just in case she decided to return, Binta was a comfort eater and if there was anywhere she would like comfort, it would be at the restaurant by the desert buffet. So I sat close to it, watching it closely.
I got bored of this and decided to wait for her at our room, on getting into the room, I heard her crying in the bathroom. I was relieved to find her there but heartbroken to find she was crying so much. She must have been so wounded by what I said. Rightfully so, I had never addressed her in such a manner.
I opened the bathroom door, she was sat on the floor, and I knelt down next to her.
I said "Binta I am so sorry, I never knew our argument would affect you like this, I am such a fool. You can wear whatever you want. I am such a fool, you kept yourself for me. I am the only man you have been with and this gives me so much pride. I don’t know why I get agitated when you dress in someways. You have given me the greatest gift a man can ask for in being a virgin when you married me. I promise to never make you feel any less than the queen that you are and deserve to be" She cried all through the night.
Binta and I have not made love since that day. We made love every night until that day. We are now back home and it’s been months since our return, I know she still has not forgiven me, I try to talk to her about the incident to show her how sorry I am. But every time I bring it up, she just bursts into tears. Tears, she would end up shedding all night. So I never mentioned it again...
Nnamdi's Journal May 22nd 2012.