As much as I struggled these men used very little effort to hold me down. I could not come to terms with how helpless I was in the situation. How I could sense imminent danger but could do very little to save myself. Do you know how it feels to have the flight reflex taken away from you? They soon got frustrated and brought out a knife, placed it on under my right eye and said if I did not stop struggling they would cut my eyeballs from the socket. I believed every word of the threat. I kept still and closed my eyes praying to God for a miracle, thinking about all the things I could have done in the past to deserve this. Was it because I roll my eyes when mama's prayers took longer than necessary? Was it my dress tonight? Was it the fact that I had blamed a friend that was raped years ago for being in the company of men at night? .Thinking back to that night, I wish that I had committed suicide after the rape, I would have saved myself the trauma I am facing today. I did not commit suicide because I was a coward, the ocean was right there for me to jump into.
Do you know what made my cry the most during the rape? It was knowing that these guys will go unpunished for what they did to me. Knowing that if I reported it, I would get asked questions like "Why were you alone on the beach", "Why were you so far from the resort", " why this why that". No one will ask the question "Why have we not apprehended the criminals". I took comfort that, Nnamdi would know exactly what to do. He would never blame me for this. After Bo and Jackson were done, ruining what was left of my life, they threatened that if I told anyone what happened, they would come back for my eyes. After they left, I stood up and raced back to the direction of the hotel. My whole body hurt, I had bite marks all over my breasts. It felt like I had just been attacked by wild animals through the pain, I ran and ran, eager to get to my room and fall into Nnamdi's lap. As I approached our room, I thought of the repercussions of telling Nnamdi. What if he went after them violently and go into an altercation with them and got killed. I cannot bear the thought of life without him or the thought of him losing his life over me.
I opened the door to the room, Nnamdi was not there. I jumped into the shower immediately, crying profusely and scratching myself all over. I wanted my skin to come off my body, I wanted my breasts to fall to the ground and get washed away by the shower water. Why can’t the past be washed away like dirt off the body? Why can my memory not be wiped completely? At that very moment, I would have had no qualms having every memory of my life wiped out of my mind. I did not want anything to do with myself anymore. I scrubbed so hard, I started to peel my own skin, I started to bleed. I sat on the bathroom floor after my shower that failed to cleanse me like I had wanted it to.
Nnamdi entered the bathroom and knelt down beside. He grabbed my head and rested it on my chest. I started weeping all over again. I held him so tight. Nnamdi turned my face to look at him. His hands were on both my cheeks, he caressed them softly and said
"Binta I am so sorry, I never knew our argument would affect you like this, I am such a fool. You can wear whatever you want. I am such a fool, you kept yourself for me. I am the only man you have been with and this gives me so much pride. So, I don’t know why I get agitated when you dress in some ways. I should be proud of the woman you are. You have given me the greatest gift a man can ask for in being a virgin when you married me. I promise to never make you feel any less than the queen that you are and deserve to be. Forgive me, I was completely out of line. It will never ever happen again"
I looked up at him, with severely stinging and swollen eyes, my heart sank all the way into my tummy. At that very moment, death seemed like the only way out.